Christmas Conversations
by The Enchanted Cheesy Soybean
Summary: HPLOTR crossover. Looking for a good story? Well this one includes: Harry trying to take over the world, rabid squirrels, poker playing Ringwraiths and Dementors, German starfish, the Great Cheese, talking spoons, and common randomness. Interrested? eh?
1. the chap of 1: Interesting Poker

Here is a random series of short stories/conversations/thingies that have randomly combusted inside my brain...or where it's supposed to be.

Disclaimer: I do not, shall not, and will not ever in a million billion zillion ca-zillion million-billion years own the characters or lands mentioned in this story.

The insanity and ooc-ness does belong to me, however. So steal and face the wrath of da cheese, mon.

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Christmas Conversations

#1: Dementors and Ringwraiths

**In Azkaban:**

Seated around a table, were ten Dementors. They were playing a game of poker against their good buddies from Númenor, the nine Ringwraiths.

The Dementors were always bored, and rather lonely around this season. There was no intelligent conversation and they could never talk to any of the prisoners for fear of accidentally eating their soul.

Then they would be out of a job.

So, they decided to call up some guys that they met at The Bleeding Cheese, a quite popular pub that was famous for attracting the evil crowd.

They had met them last week, the Ringwraiths, that is. They had a grand, drunken time talking about failed capture attempts, accidental murder; that sort of thing.

After deciding to spend the holiday together, they all gathered at Azkaban. Bringing ale and tidings of joy derived from evil.

"Fold." One Dementor rasped as he gave up. He was not too fond of poker; all he wanted was to be a dentist.

After laying out all of their cards, it was one of the Ringwraiths who won.

"Royal flush! Ha, ha!" He whooped as he collected all of his earnings: a toothbrush, contact solution, water, crayons, a full gallon of beer, and some sparkly pink nail polish.

All of the losers (except the one who folded) groaned at the loss of the nail polish.

It was just so sparkly!

"So, what's everybody doin' this holiday, ya'll?" Asked one of the Dementors, he had eaten the soul of a muggle plumber and had regretted it since.

"I'm hopefully going to one of the colleges that I applied to for a dental internship."

"I'm visiting the family over in Narnia."

"Taking the kids to Disney World."

"Visiting the elderly in the Rohan old folks home."

"I'm going to the U.S. Figure Skating Synchronized Skating Training Festival in 2006, in El Segundo, California. It's not until June, but I get to see them practice!"

"Wow. That's great! How'd you get in?"

"I threatened to suck out their soul."

"Works every time." They all said as one as they clunked their mugs together.

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Wasn't that possitively delightful? Does it fill you with the christmas spirit? If it does, consult your local doctor. If in need of special medication, I cannot give you a loan. Side effects include: Headaches, nausea, diarrhea, abdomenal pain, and most of the time, even death.

Dementor: What?

Me: What, what?

Dementor: What are you saying?

Me: I am saying that if something insane fills you with christmas spirit that you should consult a doctor because serious side effects will occur.

Dementor: That makes no sense.

Me: Yes it does.

Dementor: No, it doesn't.

Me: Do you want your dental internship?

Dementor: ...

Me: I thought so.

Review if you would like to. This was sort of a random thing, and there are more strange chappies to come. Although I have semester tests this week so I don't know when I'll get to update.


	2. the chap of 2: Squirrels and Lamps

Ready for one of the most strange things you shall read?

Disclaimer: I do not own the persons/places/things/ideas that are from HP.

Oh, and there isn't much of a Christmas conversation in this one...the insanity got a little out of hand. (nervous laugh)

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#2: Cedric and Squirrels, Justin and Lamps

One blustery day, Cedric Diggory was looking out the window in the Hufflepuff boys dorms. Why ever would someone do that? You may ask.

The answer is simple.

He was bored. It was during the holidays, December 26 to be exact, and Cedric had just woken up.

Yesterday was the Yule Ball.

He cringed in remembrance.

It wasn't fair that they said nothing about it being a dance. He thought it was a kind of cheese.

Cedric sighed.

He only asked Cho to go with him because she ate small quantities, and he wanted to eat most of the cheese-ball himself.

Opening the window, Cedric screamed to the sky, "IT WAS A CHEESE-BALL! IT WAS! IT WAS!"

After startling all of the birds from the owlry and everyone enjoying the snow, Cedric closed the window and sat back down in a huff.

He hated being wrong about things.

"I wish my friends were here." He muttered as he picked at a loose string on his pillow.

"AAAAHH!"

Cedric blinked as the person who had just come into the room ran out just as quickly before he had said a word.

He then blinked in remembrance.

Justin Finch-Fletchy had linonophobia. If you don't know what it is, it's the fear of string.

Cedric had no clue as to how he got that fear, but there were rumors about something to do with Justin having to sew for his mum one entire summer.

Pulling out the string and hiding it from Justin's view (whenever he got back), Cedric reverted to his previous thoughts about wishing his friends were there.

But not the friends you would think.

_**FLASHBACK**_

"They should have been here by now." Amos tutted as he paced in front of the tree that he and his son were waiting under.

It was the morning of the Quidditch World Cup and Amos and Cedric were waiting for the Weasleys to arrive.

"I'm sure one of them just slept in. It is rather early." Cedric remarked to his father as he looked up to the tree. They had been standing for awhile and he was getting tired.

Deciding on the safest approach, Cedric climbed up the tree and sat happily on one of its sturdy branches.

Ten minutes later, Cedric was becoming quite bored and had climbed to the top of the tree.

"Who are you?" Asked a squeaky, munchkin-like voice.

He looked around him; no one appeared to have spoken.

The voice repeated, "Who are you?"

Then he saw it.

It was a squirrel; a cute, fluffy, brown squirrel that was staring at him with big eyes.

He blinked, "Uh…I'm Cedric. Cedric Diggory."

The squirrel sniffed at his hand, grabbed one of his fingers and pulled him towards the branch of another tree.

"Come, come. Or we shall be late for tea."

Deciding to go with the flow, Cedric jumped to the other (fairly large) branch. He rubbed his eyes and stared.

For on the branch, was a giant pumpkin.

And it had a door, and a chimney.

"Come along!" Squeaked the little squirrel who was now not the only one who was pulling Cedric along. All the little squirrels chorused, "It's tea time!" And pulled him through the big, mahogany door….on a pumpkin…

Trying to make sense of all that was happening to him, Cedric certainly couldn't make sense of what he found inside.

Inside it was much bigger than the outside, sort of like wizard tents.

The squirrels had little tables set up complete with cute little doilies and flower pedals.

Cedric and the squirrels that pulled him in walked over to a podium where a brown squirrel with a turned up nose stood.

"Smoking preference?" The old squirrel wheezed.

Now taking a closer look around, Cedric saw that the squirrels were wearing tuxes and gowns, they also were sipping out of little acorn tops.

He guessed that they used them as cups for their tea.

"Non." The little brown squirrel squeaked.

The squirrels were all dressed up as well.

"This way." He wheezed as they all were seated.

After tea was taken to them all, the squirrel that led him in, which he noticed to be a guy squirrel (which was quite funny because of his squeaky voice) because of his tux, tried to make conversation as two squirrels in evening gowns began to sing a duet about crazy cats.

"So," he said in his strange and slightly weird voice, "Where do you come from?"

"My parents." Cedric answered, trying to break the weird tension that the squirrel's voice created…with its squeaky-ness.

"Ah." It remarked, taking a sip from its acorn top/cup thing.

"And you?" Cedric asked, bringing the tiny acorn top to his lips and sipping on the drop of tea.

"I come from the magical land of eki-eki-eki-zootaang zoomboing-schroim-jim."

Thinking it was a joke, and the fact that it sounded ridiculously funny with the squirrel's voice, Cedric burst out laughing.

The squirrel blinked, obviously not expecting that kind of reaction.

Suddenly the rich, well mannered atmosphere abruptly changed; all the squirrels turned, facing Cedric with big crazed eyes. He got up from his chair and tried to run, but the squirrels started chanting "Human Pie! Human Pie!"

Cedric screamed.

This was not correct, civilized behavior.

The squirrels went rabid. They started banging their fists on the tables, ripping their nice clothing, and even biting and gnawing at the tables and chairs.

As Cedric neared the big door of the pumpkin, a fat squirrel cook came out of the kitchen, sharpening knives; but one of them slipped and chopped off his hand.

He shrieked.

The knife that used to be in that hand flew toward an unsuspecting squirrel and chopped off his leg. He started to crawl toward Cedric, chanting "Human pie! Human pie!"

Wisely deciding to leave, Cedric tore open the door just as two squirrels leapt at him; they hit the mahogany with a thud.

Jumping down to his father, Cedric noticed the Weasleys and Harry had arrived.

Mr. Weasley asked at Cedric's out-of-breath state, "Are you alright?"

Cedric could only put on a tight smile and nod.

_**END FLASHBACK**_

Cedric shook his head.

Why on earth had he remembered that? It wasn't a very pleasant experience.

He then turned to the window where a scratching noise was heard.

It was a squirrel.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

He ran screaming down to the common room.

"What's he so afraid of?" Justin asked as he turned to his friend.

"Well, Mr. Lamp. What are you doing for Christmas?"

"Ah, well that's nice. I heard Wyoming is lovely this time of year. All that snow." He 'remarked at the lamp's answer'.

"Are you talking to that lamp again, Justin? You know that's not healthy."

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I was very tempted to make the squirrels dance and sing the "I like to move it, move it" song; but I thought that it would be better if the atmosphere completely changed.

Cute, fluffy, brown squirrel: I do not like how we became rabid, man-eaters.

Me: Too bad, the boat has sailed.

Squirrel: Blast. When's the next one?

Me: Probably tomorrow.

Squirrel: Good!

Me: But the tickets are sold out.

Squirrel: Pooper scooper.

Me: Reviews keep the rabid squirrels away!


	3. the chap of 3: The Great Cheese & Spoons

Hello again! I finally updated. (sniffle) I've had a cold, and was deviod of any inspiration. UNTIL TODAY! (punches fist in the air triumphantly) So enjoy!

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine, mine is nothing. All except for my soul...which is trapped in two parts, one on one erasor, and the other on another. mmyess.

Oh, and I have some lines from 'Billy Triumphs Over Evil' and 'There is no Spoon' by Neil Circierga. He rocks. You should check out his website.

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#3: Seamus and Spoons

It was a perfectly normal day, Seamus Finnegan had gone down to breakfast and was looking up and down the table at what the house elves had prepared.

"Hey Seamus, can you pass me one of those spoons? For some reason I don't have one." Fred called from his place at the table.

Reaching to his right, Seamus looked for a spoon; after finding it, started to hand it to Fred.

But something was not right.

The spoon had eyes.

"AAAH!" Seamus screamed as he dropped the spoon.

Everyone at the Gryffindor table stared at him, then at the perfectly normal spoon.

"What's wrong Seamus?" Dean asked, concerned for his friends mental stability.

Panting, trying to catch his breath from his fright, Seamus answered shakily.

"Yeh….yeh ah think so."

Everyone returned to their breakfast as Fred picked up the spoon that Seamus was going to hand him, and started to eat his breakfast with no further interruptions.

Throughout the day Seamus went back to being his normal, Irish self.

Until that night…

Seamus tossed and turned in his bed, he couldn't get to sleep.

His stomach growled with hunger.

He hadn't eaten much dinner, or lunch (for fear of the spoons).

Deciding to give in to his stomach's rumbling and the fact that he couldn't possibly get to sleep in that state, Seamus got up and headed to the kitchens.

Walking slowly in his Irish robe and slippers, complete with shamrocks, Seamus tickled the green pair and walked through the painting.

House-elves immediately asked what he would like.

Trying to avoid having to use a spoon, Seamus decided on some Kidney-Pie.

A timid little house elf popped in front of him not much later, and handed him a plate with some Kidney-pie.

Wondering why the house elf looked frightened, Seamus asked, "Is something wrong?"

Taking a shaky breath and slightly squeaking, the elf answered, "We…w-we ran out of clean forks, sir. We had to give you a spoon."

Seamus' eyes got wide.

The timid, little, now squeaking house elf immediately popped away.

Seamus eyed up his pie, and lifted the spoon.

It didn't have eyes.

Seamus sighed, and dipped the spoon into the pie.

"AAAAAHH!" A squeaky voice screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Seamus screamed as he dropped his spoon on the floor with a clatter.

The house elves seemed to be ignoring his fit of insanity, for they just continued on with what they were doing.

Seamus didn't even notice that he had knocked his pie onto the floor.

A house elf cleaned it up.

The spoon picked itself up on its little, stick legs and started to brush off the dust on him.

"Now that hurt." It squeaked as it started to wipe itself free of the cream from the kidney-pie on the carpet.

A house elf cleaned it up, again.

"W-w-w-what …. ….what…..w-w-w-who……did….augh." Seamus stuttered, entirely confused and slightly scared.

He was talking to a spoon.

The spoon answered, "I am a spoon. You may call me Neo."

Ignoring the possible Matrix reference, Seamus replied, "Ok….uh…..how are you ….um…."

Bouncing up on the table, the spoon said, "I don't know, but that's not the point. Do you believe in the Great Spoon?"

Blinking in confusion, and then raising his eyebrow in question, Seamus merely said, "uh…….the great spoon?"

The spoon shook its head….er….spoon-head, "No, no, and no. THE Great Spoon. The almighty and powerful spoon. RULER OF ALL! KEEPER OF THE SACRID WAYS OF THE SPOON!"

Seamus could only blink.

"I take that as a no, come with me human!" the spoon said as he lead Seamus out of the kitchen.

They walked, and walked, and walked some more.

Seamus sighed; they had been walking all over the school. "Are we there yet?"

The spoon answered, "What?"

"Are we there yet?" Seamus repeated.

"There, where?"

"Wherever the great spoon is; I thought you were taking me to him…er...it…thing?"

The spoon blinked.

"Oh, I was taking a walk. It's terrible staying in a drawer almost all your life."

"Follow me!" The spoon said as it jumped straight through a statue of cheese in Viking armor.

Seamus followed; there was time for questioning later.

"WHO DARES ENTER!" A loud voice boomed and echoed off the walls.

"Uh…..I'm…Seamus. Seamus Finnegan."

"AND WHY, AR E YOU HERE?"

Wondering why the voice still hadn't decreased in volume, Seamus started walking down the dark hallway where the voice was coming from.

"I er….I followed a spoon."

"YEEEEESSS……YEEEEEEESS I SEE. MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Why are you laughing?"

"WHO IS YOUR DADDY, AND WHAT DOES HE DO?"

Blinking in confusion, whilst still walking down the seemingly endless hallway, Seamus answered, "My daddy's name is Philip, he's a lawyer."

"DO NOT MOCK ME!"

Seamus merely kept walking.

"HAHAHAHAHA."

"You're laughing again."

"WHY ARE YOU HERE?"

"You already asked that."

"SO?"

"Why is your voice still projected?"

"IT MAKES ME FEEL SPECIAL."

"ok…"

"…"

"So…"

"STOP IT!"

"What did I-"

"SILENCE!"

"…"

"THANK YOU."

"Your welcome."

"SO, WHAT AR E YOU DOING THIS CHRISTMAS?"

"Going to visit my family; and yourself?"

"I AM GOING TO A 'HOW TO RULE THE WORLD IN 8 EASY STEPS' CONVENTION DOWN IN HAWAII. WE'RE HAVING A LUAU."

"Hmm, I like luaus."

"WANT TO COME?"

"Nah already have plans; but enjoy yourself."

"I WILL."

After finally turning around and heading back to the common room, Seamus ran into Dean; who was also on his way to the kitchens.

"Hey Seam. Wanna go get a bite to eat?"

"Sure."

Deciding to try kidney-pie again, they both started to dig in; but without spoons.

In Matrix-world:

The little kid who bends spoons is in an all-out war with the spoons because he bends them and leaves them crippled to live in shame. The spoons do not like this and-

Seamus: uh…is this related to the story?

Me: Well, no not really.

Seamus: so why are you typing it?

Me: I don't know.

Seamus: …

Me: …

Seamus: Well?

Me: Oh right! I guess I'll leave it on this note:

In the end, the almighty cheese and the great spoon have a battle of wits….tragically, both die.

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Me: There now, wasn't that exciting?

Seamus: N-

Me: Of course it was. Reviews shall earn you a seat at the 'How to Rule the World in 8 Easy Steps' convention.


	4. the chap of 4: German Starfish

Hullo there. Didja miss me? Sorry it took so long to update, but I was in Disney World for Christmas Vacation. I would have updated these last two chappies there, but my dad's laptop could'nt get an internet connection.

I finnished these chapters for you though. So I hope you enjoy them!

Disclaimer: Once again, nothing is mian. Must be urin. haha. Get it? Sorry, it was a joke that Cris Rock made one time and I thought it was pretty funny.

Getting to the good stuff now, read on!

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#4: Neville and Starfish

Good old Neville Longbottom was sitting down at his usual place in the Transfigurations classroom, in the back, when he came upon an unusual sight.

In the front of the classroom Professor McGonagall had a tank; a tank full of starfish.

He had come to learn about starfish from several of his many Herbology books that he had read in the library, since he had taken particular interest in that subject.

One book that he had come across, by Ima Frek, was about their possible psychotic behavior.

The whole thing talked about certain circumstances where there was an "attack" from a group or just a single starfish.

Ima Frek had been on work release, so no one took her book seriously; and neither did Neville.

Until now, he had never seen a starfish. He thought that they looked creepy, thus understanding where Ima Frek could have gotten her idea.

"I wonder where she got all of those starfish." Hermione said as she peered over at the tank. As always, she was sitting with Harry and Ron in the bench in front of Neville.

She turned to Neville, "Do you know Neville?"

He shook his head, "No idea. Though, maybe the lake, but it would take quite a time getting that many out of there. I think the merpeople find them to be a delicacy, I've heard that the French even eat them sometimes."

Hermione and Harry cringed.

Ron just nodded, "I'm not surprised."

He was thinking of Madame Maxime. She had always creeped him out.

"Attention class!" McGonagall said as she rapt her pointer stick on her desk.

The class kept talking.

"Class, come to attention!"

They didn't silence.

"ATTENTION!"

Everyone jumped, and all was silent.

McGonagall adjusted her glasses, "Thank you. Now, today we are learning to change a starfish into carpet."

Hermione raised her hand.

"Yes, miss Granger?"

"Professor; Why transfigure starfish?"

McGonagall knew this was coming, she nodded and answered, "Ask Dumbledore, it was his crazy idea."

No one was even vaguely astonished.

Tapping her pointer stick on the board, McGonagall asked the students to take notes, and then demonstrated the proper technique.

"Swish and flick, be sure to keep a picture of carpet clear in your mind's eye. There that's right. Mr. Weasley, give it a go."

Swallowing the lump growing his throat, Ron raised his wand, swished, and flicked.

The starfish turned into a toaster.

McGonagall rolled her eyes, "How is it that you can botch a simple charm like that?"

Ron turned three shades of red.

Laughing good naturedly, Harry clapped his friend on the back. "Yeah, I've always wondered that too Ron."

"Shurrup Harry." Ron muttered as he sat back down.

After class, and thankfully no more demonstrations, Neville started to pack up his books and notes.

"Ah, Neville. Would you be a dear and put out the torches for me? I've got to go to a Professor's conference in Dumbledore's office and I wouldn't want to leave you in the dark." McGonagall said as she reached for the door handle.

Neville nodded, "Sure, professor."

She hurried out and shut the door behind her.

Neville was now alone in the cold, dank, ugly, cramped, stuffy…you get the idea, classroom.

Getting out his wand to snuff out all the torches at once, Neville heard something.

It sounded like…

"Bubbles?"

He walked to the source of the noise.

The starfish tank.

Neville leaned close to the glass, observing the suction cups of one of the starfish that was pressed against the glass.

Then he saw something that shouldn't have been.

Something else was on the underbelly of the starfish…eyes.

He jumped back with a yelp, just as all of the starfish flew out of the tank.

"GET OFF ME! GET OFF ME!" He yelled as the starfish latched onto him, he was trying to shake them off.

One of them walked up his arm, "Neign!" It said in a heavy German accent.

Neville blinked, "You…you can talk?"

"But off courrlse ve can talk. Ve arrlen't yor normal starrfishe."

"You aren't? Then…what are you?"

"Vould you lak ze long verson or de shorrlt? Kep en mind zat de long verson es en Aramaic."

As Neville was trying to ignore the many German starfish attached to his body, he decided that he would very much like the short version; for the sooner this strange encounter was over, the sooner that things would start to make sense.

"I'll take the short version please."

"Good. Zen you shall 'ear our song."

All of the starfish jumped off Neville and started to line up in two rows.

The one that was conversing with him stepped up and was going to start the first verse, if it weren't for Filch.

"Who's in here?" He asked as he peered inside the door, having noticed that the torches were still lit.

Neville was about to explain, when the German starfish answered for him.

"Ve arre."

"Who is that? Who's we?"

The starfish all pounced, attaching themselves to Filch.

"AAAAAH! AAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAHH! AAAH! AAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! AAAA-AAAAHH!" Filch screamed in a high-pitched voice, waving his arms about, trying to shake the starfish off.

"Yoo cannot ezcape." Said the leader, attaching himself to Filch's face.

He then started to make the strangest sucking noises, as Filch thrashed about even more wildly.

The starfish, which was on Filch's face, started to glow a light blue.

Neville could only stand there, this was one weird day.

Filch then went completely limp and fell to the floor as the starfish all detached themselves from his body.

Neville pointed to Filch, "What did you do to him?"

"Ve ate 'ees soul."

Neville shrugged, no one really cared for Filch's life.

Then he gulped, what would they do to him?

As if reading his thoughts, the lead starfish laughed.

"Doo not vory mah frrlend. Ve vill not harrlm yoo."

Neville sighed with relief.

"So, how are you talking? What made you that way? And how come you're German?"

Neville asked as he sat down at one of the desks.

"Slow down mah noo frrlend. All vill bve answerrled een time."

Neville nodded, waiting for his questions to be answered.

The starfish said nothing.

None of the other starfish said anything.

Neville blinked.

"So…"

Neville then asked a question that randomly popped into his head…somewhat due to the plot.

"What are all of you doing for Christmas?"

"Ah, vee're goeeng to Italy for Mardeegrah. Zey 'ave dee best martini."

All of the starfish nodded in perfect unison, seemingly having practiced.

Neville shrugged, he thought that was a pretty stupid reason to go to Italy, but that is ok.

"Vere arrle yoo goeeng?"

"I'm getting away from my gran and visiting my cousin over in America."

The starfish nodded.

Nothing happened.

Neville looked around expectantly.

"So, ah guess ve shall bve goeeng now. Goodbye noo frrlend."

The starfish said as they saluted him and jumped out the window, breaking the glass and landing in the lake.

Neville blinked.

"Well, they didn't have to break the window."

He said as he flicked his wand and fixed the window. Another flick and the torches were out.

Neville grabbed his stuff and headed out the door to Gryffindor tower.

Who knew that a person on work release could have a perfectly correct theory?

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Me: wasn't that lover-ly?

Neville: No. That was horrible. Poor Filch!

Me: Pssh. No one cares for Filch.

Filch: I do.

Me: Review carbon-based life forms!


	5. the chap of 5: A Perfect Ending

Whoohoo! The last chappy. I won't keep your reading up with a long...uh...beginning...thing...

Disclaimer: None of the Harry Potter and LOTR characters are mine.

Poop! Did I just give away something? Maybeh ah did. (Dr. Evil Pose)

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#5: Dennis and Sauerkraut

Dennis Creevy was a perfectly normal British boy. Unlike Neville, Justin, Cedric, and Seamus he was the only one featured in this story that didn't try the house elves special for dinner last year.

He and his brother Colin were trying to crack the mystery as to why some of the boys at Hogwarts had strange experiences.

Instead of just waving it off like it was nothing as the professors did, they decided to get to the bottom of it.

All clues lead to the one dinner special that the house elves had prepared one year ago. The boys that had the strange occurrences were the only ones to dare to try it. It was a special that they were dared to eat, naturally.

No one would eat it otherwise.

All of the descriptions of the special food were different, but all were ghastly.

Dennis was just on his way to the Hufflepuff common room to talk to Cedric (a/n: Altering what happened in year 4 (sob) oh, and while I'm at it, I am altering what happened in year 5…obviously), when he walked right by the portrait that lead to the kitchens.

Deciding to talk with the house elves about their special that night, Dennis tickled the pear and walked inside.

A house elf promptly popped by his side (a/n: isn't that fun to say? Promptly popped. Promptly popped. Tehe! .).

"Is you be needing something young sir?" It asked in the usual squeaky house elf way.

The Creevy brother nodded.

"I was wondering what the ingredients were in the dinner special that you made last year."

The house elf shook its head.

"I was not here then sir. You's should be speaking to Dobby." And with that, the little house elf popped away.

Dennis picked at a loose string on his pants pocket, and looked around at all of the busy house elves.

They were scuttling about with dirty clothes, dirty dishes, and a manner of things that made them look busy.

He timidly walked up to one of the house elves that were washing dishes in a very large sink.

He cleared his throat.

"Excuse me? But do you know where I could find Dobby?"

The house elf turned to him, still keeping busy with the dishes as it started to talk in the house elf squeak.

"Yes, sir. Dobby be's in the Gryffindor commons with Mr. Potter."

Dennis nodded.

"Thank you."

He backed away, careful not to trip over the busy house elves, and went out the portrait door.

He ran a hand through his hair, trying to decide on what to do.

He heard laughing around the corner.

Dennis walked up quietly and peered around the corner, careful not to be seen.

It was his brother Colin, along with Cedric, Justin, Seamus, and Neville. What were they talking about?

"He doesn't suspect a thing." He heard his brother say.

"How can you be sure?" Cedric said as he shuffled his feet nervously.

"Yeah. How do you know?" Seamus added. "What if he knows?"

He saw Colin shake his head.

"Not a chance."

"Well I guess we're safe then." Neville nervously squeaked out, "I mean, if no one knows." He added as he looked suspiciously about.

Dennis shied back around the corner as Neville's eyes came his way, but he backed too far and knocked into a suit of armor.

"Who's there?" Justin called out as all the boys walked to where Dennis was.

He looked sheepily at them.

"Oh, it's just Dennis." Said Colin as he wiped imaginary sweat from his brow.

All the boys sighed with relief.

"What all did you hear Dennis?" Cedric asked as he took another look around, to make sure no one else knew of their meeting.

Dennis shrugged. "Nothing."

All of them nodded, and Colin said, "Let's keep it that way."

They all then dispersed to their common rooms, leaving Dennis in the hall.

Leaving him to wonder what it was that they were talking about.

After awhile of pondering, Dennis decided to resume his search for Dobby; and headed to the Gryffindor common room.

Dennis sighed as we walked up the last stairwell. They really could use some escalators.

"Password dearie? Hic." Asked the drunken portrait of the Fat Lady.

Dennis shook his head, she really needed to stop lying and saying that she went to go have 'tea' with the portrait of the Skinny Lady. Everyone knew that they could pull some strings with the Bar Tender portrait.

"Everlasting youth." He said as the portrait swung open…drunkenly.

Dennis walked inside the common room and tried to seek out Harry.

The Gryffindors sure liked their common room.

It was almost completely full.

He then spotted Harry talking to Dobby in the corner.

Dennis walked over.

"Hi Harry!" He waved, and beamed like a spotlight. He was a fan of the boy-who-lived, as was every Creevy.

Harry gave a small wave. "Hi Dennis. What can I do for you?"

He said this in a sarcastic tone, but Dennis was too hyped up to notice.

"I was wondering if I could talk to Dobby, Harry." Dennis said as he still beamed like a spotlight.

Harry looked surprised and relieved at the same time.

He nodded and said, "Sure." Then went up to his dorm.

Dobby turned to the Creevy, "What is Mr. Creevy be's wanting with Dobby?"

Dennis took out his quill and parchment.

"Do you remember the ingredients put in the dinner special last year?"

Dobby tilted his head, and blinked.

"Why is you be wanting to know?"

Dennis shrugged.

Dobby cleared his throat and listed the ingredients.

"Live chicken, lemon, cracked pepper, three kinds of cheeses: cheddar, parmesan, and blue, chocolate sauce, lettuce picked on the eleventh month of leap year, page 245 out of How to Kill a Dark Lord, and some paprika for added flavor."

After writing down all the ingredients, and cringing after reading them.

Dennis nodded, thanked Dobby, and went to his dorm room to think.

Later that night, Dennis decided to seek out his brother to find out about the strange meeting with the group.

He was certainly not expecting to be intercepted by Harry on the stairs.

Harry waved Dennis over in somewhat a stiff way as he made sure that no one else was coming down the hallway.

Dennis walked up to Harry with an inquisitive look.

"What is it Harry?"

"Did you happen to hear anything?"

Dennis blinked.

"I'm not deaf, if that's what you mean."

"So…you heard the conversation between me and Dobby?" Harry asked as he narrowed his eyes.

"No, no I didn't."

Harry sighed in relief, and relaxed visibly.

It was Dennis's turn to narrow his eyes.

"Why?"

Harry shook his head. "Nothing. Nothing at all. G'bye Dennis."

Harry said quickly as he briskly walked back in the direction of the Gryffindor common room.

Dennis shook his head.

What was it with people keeping secret conversations from him?

It was that opportune moment that his brother happened to walk around the corner.

Dennis waved him over.

"Hey Colin!"

Colin quickly did a 180 and ran back down the stairway where he came from.

Dennis ran after him.

"Colin! Wait up; I have a question for you!"

But, as you might have cleverly guessed, he did not wait up. Instead, he sped up.

Dennis quickly skirted into a hallway as a shortcut to try and cut Colin off.

It worked.

Dennis ran in front of Colin and somehow avoided colliding and breaking something important on the marble floor.

Panting, both brothers took a moment to catch their breath.

"So, what was that conversation about this morning?" Dennis asked Colin when they finally caught their breath.

Colin shrugged and shuffled his feet.

Dennis sighed with impatience.

"Colin! C'mon you can tell me. I'm your brother!"

He said as he pouted, Creevys don't like secrets being kept from them.

Colin sighed.

"All right."

Dennis bounced up and down.

"But you've got to keep quiet!" Colin warned as he pulled his brother into an abandoned classroom.

Later the next morning, all of the students were at their appointed tables eating breakfast when the beginning of a very strange morning started.

Most of the strangeness came from the Gryffindor table.

Hermione looked around, "Where's Harry?" She asked Ron.

Ron shrugged. "He didn't come to the dorm room last night." He said as he loaded up his plate with bacon.

"Yeah, I saw him leave; but not come back." Seamus added.

Just as the enchanted sky turned dark with storm clouds, and thunder and lightning rolled across; the doors burst open.

All of the students left their breakfast and turned to the person that made the dramatic entrance.

Harry Potter.

Dumbledore stood up.

"Harry. Why the theatrics?"

Instead of answering normally, like everyone thought he would, Harry laughed maniacally.

Draco stood up in a huff.

"That's MY laugh!"

He promptly sat down…in a huff.

Not even sparing Draco a glance, Harry spoke.

"I have figured it out! I've finally figured out YOUR secret!"

He said insanely, pointing at Dumbledore.

Dumbledore looked falsely amused.

"Whatever do you mean?"

"Ha!…oh yes…I know your secret."

Harry said as he walked forward.

"What secret Harry?" Dennis asked, ever the snoopy one.

Harry glanced at him, stopped walking right next to the Gryffindor table, and looked back up at Dumbledore.

"You want to know his secret?"

He asked with an evil grin.

Dumbledore looked nervous.

The professors looked interested.

Snape looked positively delighted…sort of…

The Slytherins looked absolutely eager.

Colin glanced around, noting that Harry still hadn't said the secret.

"Well?" He asked impatiently.

"He's a fake." Harry said, his evil grin getting wider.

Dumbledore's eyes got wide.

"What?"

"What's he talking about?"

"What kind of fake?"

"Do you like pie?"

And other such questions were asked around the room…mostly the first three.

"Yes. He's a big fake. He isn't a wizard."

Harry said as he walked closer to the teachers table, with another maniacal laugh.

This raised more questions to be asked around the room.

What was Harry talking about? Not a wizard?

Harry was now standing at the teachers table, having a staring contest with Dumbledore.

"Harry. What are you talking about? Have you gone mad!" Hermione asked as she stood up, ever the prude.

"No, I have not gone mad! Now stop asking." Harry yelled.

Hermione sat back down.

He laughed maniacally again.

"Want to know another secret? Dumbledore's not even human." Harry said as Dumbledore looked about the room.

Everyone was all astir now.

He chuckled.

"Harry, why are you making up such lies?" He asked.

Harry tilted his head, "Well, if you would like me to prove it."

He said as he raised his wand.

"No wait!" Dumbledore yelled as he tried to run away.

Harry was too fast, he swished his wand and Dumbledore turned into a…

Shrimp?

The Slytherins laughed with glee.

Dumbledore was a tiny little shrimp!

"How did you find out Potter? How did you discover my secret!" He said in a voice like the little shrimp from Shark Tale.

Harry just laughed maniacally.

Then, Dennis decided that now was the time to reveal another secret.

Jumping up on the table, he yelled dramatically, "There is another secret."

Cedric, Neville, Justin, Seamus, and Colin all stiffened.

Everyone's attention was now on Dennis.

"The dinner special last year made several of the students here have strange experiences, and I know why!" He said triumphantly.

"It was the ingredients. They mixed to form a very old spell. It made a spell called Strangefanfictionwithaveryweirdplot!"

Everyone gasped, that was a forbidden spell.

"What will we do!"

"There's nothing we can do."

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

Dumbledore, now turned shrimp, raised his little shrimp…uh…hands, and said, "Calm, calm down. I'm sure there is something that we can do." (a/n: by the way, Dumbledore is floating in the air…magically)

Harry smirked evilly, and began to chuckle in an ominous way.

Draco stood up indignantly once more.

"That's MY evil chuckle! Mine!"

He sat back down.

Once again ignoring him, Harry continued to chuckle.

He got louder, and louder, until he was laughing maniacally again.

"What is it now Harry?" Dumbledore asked in his shrimpy squeak.

"This makes it so much easier." He said with another evil smirk.

Everyone shared questioning looks.

Now what was he talking about?

"Now that the school is under the Strangefanfictionwithaveryweirdplot spell, it makes it so much easier to take over the world! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

Harry said as everyone gasped.

Draco stood up again.

"That's MY evil plan! Mine!"

He sat back down.

No one was paying any attention to him at this point.

The professors all whipped out their wands.

"Expelliarmous!"

Harry was too quick, with his expelliarmous spell all of their wands flew out of their hands to the floor.

"You cannot stop me!"

He yelled insanely as he made all of the students' wands as well as the professors fly out the nearest window, breaking the glass.

"They miyet no' bve able too. Bvut ve can."

Neville gasped.

"It's my starfish friends!"

He yelled, pointing at the broken window.

Harry whipped around.

There was the whole group of starfish that were in McGonagall's tank yesterday standing on the window sill.

They jumped off the sill.

Harry pointed his wand at them.

"You think that you can defeat me?"

He asked with another evil smirk.

"No. Bvut perhaps ve can vith our frrlends."

The leader starfish said as everyone turned to see who was now sitting on the window sill.

It was the rabid squirrels…and lamps.

Cedric and Justin stood up.

"Our…uh…friends!"

They said with uncertainty…they hadn't really been on good terms, they were more like acquaintances.

Harry still chuckled.

"Your little freak group still cannot defeat me."

"Then perhaps we can help."

Said the new group of oddities.

Seamus and Justin (once again) stood up…and resisted the urge to scream.

It was spoons and string.

The students were all puzzled. How could this strange group defeat Harry?

It was then that the cavalry arrived.

"Hullo. I do believe we are at the wrong party."

Dumbledore gulped. It was the poker playing dementors and ringwraiths.

Parvati Patil screamed.

Though not because of what you might think.

"That is the loveliest shade of pink!"

She squealed as she observed the dementors fingernails.

He was the one that had won the prized bottle of polish.

"Oh, I know! I won it in a poker game."

Harry backed away somewhat nervously, it was almost impossible to go against an army such as this.

They all lined up.

String in the front, followed by the spoons, squirrels, starfish, lamps, ringwraiths, then dementors.

They all faced Harry; he now had backed up against the wall, pointing his wand at the strange group.

Somehow the house tables had disappeared.

The students were on both sides of the strange group and Harry, wondering what would happen.

The Slytherins were all grinning.

This was the best Christmas Eve they had ever had.

All seemed to be at a standstill.

Everyone held their breath.

Harry had narrowed his eyes at the opposing group, raised his wand and said, "Av-"

But he was cut off by a loud-

BANG!

Everyone looked around.

Where had that come from?

It was then that everyone's attention then went to the roof of the Great Hall.

Sides of the roof crumbled and fell to the marble floor.

The roof was being lifted.

Students screamed and ran to the center of the Great Hall, away from the collapsing rubble.

Then, the roof was thrown away to reveal…

Space ships?

"What is this? A trick?" Harry asked as he aimed his wand at the oncoming ships.

"Incendio!" He yelled as his spell hit the nearest space ship and set it aflame, causing it to crash into the unoccupied teachers table.

The other space ships landed close to the crashed ship, the students backed up to the doors.

Dumbledore was floating close to McGonagall's shoulder, peering over Snape's greasy head, wondering what could possibly be inside the UFO's.

Everyone was thinking the same thing, but Dennis was the first to do something.

He walked up to the space ship that was on fire, past the other ships that landed, and said a spell that he had just recently learned.

"Aqua arecto!" Water burst from his wand tip and put out the flames.

Harry pushed his way through the crowd of students and stood beside Dennis.

The door to the once aflame ship opened.

The students and teachers, except for Dennis and Harry, took a step back. Whatever was in that ship could not be good.

It was then that the pilot of the strange alien ship stepped out.

It looked like…some sort of food.

"I do not appreciate your setting my ship on fire, young sir." Said the strange…thing.

Harry narrowed his eyes.

"What are you?" He asked.

"I am sauerkraut, from the planet Grocery." The sauerkraut then turned to Dennis.

"Thank you for putting the fire out. For that, we shall not destroy you." And with that, the other ships opened up and other sauerkraut stepped out; with big, gun like things.

Harry glared at them all.

"You shall not destroy me! Because I will take over the world! Av-"

But he was cut off again by the closest sauerkraut; with one shot Harry Potter-the-evil-wizard-who-was-trying-to-take-over-the-world was destroyed.

"Ha!" Draco yelled as he pointed to the dust pile that was once Harry Potter, but his victory was short lived.

For he was shot as well. sob

As were all the others.

Dennis looked around the now empty room other than him and the sauerkraut, and asked a question that he had to ask…because of the plot.

"So, what are you all doing for Christmas?"

The sauerkraut put away their evaporating guns and turned to him.

"Taking over the world."

THE END

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Me: (claps hands whilst jumping up and down) Did you like the ending? Please review, I must know if I should redo the ending. Was it random enough?

Fred: Was it random enough?

George: Who are you?

Fred: I'm Fred, dear brother.

George: No, no. Not you Freddy. I was saying that to the weird author of this mundane drabble.

Fred: Ah. Spot on.

Me: Pssh. I'm not weird.

Gred&Forge: Yes you are.

All characters mentioned in this mundane drabble: Review!


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